“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong” (Brown).
At the core of our being is this deep longing to love and be loved. Musicians and poets alike have dedicated countless works of art to the greatness of love. We are all compelled and driven by love, but when we get down to the basics, it seems we don’t fully understand the true definition of the word “love.”
I don’t think there is any word in the English language that has been more stripped of the depth and the value of its meaning. In the same breath, we will say we love our child and love pizza. We all have an understanding that there is a profound difference in our devotion of our love for our children versus food, but the word “love” is still used for both. The meaning of love loses its fragrance, its depth, when it is used so loosely.
In the Greek language, there are four words to describe what we call love: agape, phileo, eros and storge. I want to take a few minutes to examine the most well-known Greek words for love: phileo and agape. I’ll go over the meaning of “phileo” and “agape”, how they are demonstrated, and how they affect humanity. Let’s explore the astounding concept of love that drives us all.
Phileo refers to a warm affection, or brotherly love, displayed between best friends who seek to make the other one happy. This type of love is demonstrated through a growing relationship between friends. It is an emotional connection. It is not as intimate as the love within a family, but it creates a powerful bond, out of which we create a sense of community. Phileo love is crucial to the wellbeing of society. People need connection and the feeling that they belong. Phileo will fill this need for belonging to a point, but it is a conditional love. There is a give-and-take aspect to this type of love. It gives as long as it will also receive; it is limited.
Phileo says, “I love you because you love me” and “I love you because you are pleasing to me.” Although this love is genuine, it can also break hearts because there is always the threat that it will end. When the object of love is no longer valuable to the beholder, they will be discarded and replaced by the next one who catches their eye. The feelings may be real, but they can also be short lived. Phileo is predominately of the heart whereas agape is predominately of the mind.
Agape is a choice. It is the willful act of saying, “I choose to show you love no matter what.” It is not based on merit, or the action, or worth of the recipient. It is a decision, a matter of the will. Society is fascinated by love, but agape shocks us. It is discussed with a sense of awe because of its sheer ability to give, even to the detriment of the giver, without seeking anything in return. This love is demonstrated through a mother caring for her child, and of a man gently tending to his dying wife.
There is a beautiful story of a Spanish father and his estranged
son, Paco. In this tale, the relationship had become strained and was eventually shattered as the rebellious Paco set out on his own. The father was heartbroken, and searched long and hard for his wayward son. As a last resort, the father placed an ad in the Madrid newspaper, hoping that Paco would read it. The ad read:
“Dear Paco,
Please meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven.
Love,
Father”
The next day, the father set out to the newspaper office hoping to reconnect with his son. When he arrived, there were 800 Pacos, all seeking forgiveness from their fathers (Yechiel).
This is an astounding example of agape love and our desire to experience it. Agape chooses forgiveness over pride, like the example of Paco’s father. When we get a taste of agape love, it has the potential to melt even the hardest of hearts. Nothing moves the human race like undeserved love. It goes against our instinct. It is understood that we will be treated according to our actions. We will receive kindness for kindness and strife for strife. The brain is pattern seeking. When someone breaks that mold, it throws us off guard and we take notice. Being shown love, even in our most unlovable state, it changes us. Love, in the agape form, is the most powerful force.
We all have within us a deep need to love and be loved in return, and “when these needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We grow numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick… the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering” (Brown).
Love is vital to our existence. Phileo will temporarily fill our need for belonging, but only agape can bring healing to our heart and soul. Agape, at its finest, is the foundation of the noblest relationships that humanity is capable of. It is a deliberate and unconditional love that is an effect of the will and mind through choices and behaviors rather than out of feelings and emotions. This is the love that will change the world.
References
Brown, Brené. “Love: practicing and professing.” Brené Brown. N.p., 11
Feb. 2010. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.
Eckstein, Rabbi Yechiel. “All Is Forgiven.” Holy Land Moments. International Fellowship of Christians and Jews of Canada, 3 July 2016. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.
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